Could you tell me a time you felt fear?

Where do I start?

The feeling of fear is subjective, everybody has a different version of what being scared feels like to them. I used to experience anxiety in many forms; pre dance show jitters, crying in the early hours of the morning because I couldn’t sleep, being scared to leave the house, scared because I had to get on public transport to visit somewhere new or deal with the fear of potentially crashing the car, scared of eating because I knew if I ate that my stomach would feel funny and then I’d be anxious about needing the toilet in public, scared to go to sleep in an old building because of the increased possibility of a spider crawling over my face in the night, scared because I managed to convince myself that people were talking about me behind my back, even though they couldn’t have cared less about what outfit I chose to wear. Fear, fear, fear. Fear is everywhere when you look for it and can effect people very differently.

The worst sort of fear for me, is being scared of myself. Knowing my body's capability, to completely catastrophise any moment into a life or death situation. My first panic attack happened two years ago, and then everything I thought I knew about fear changed forever.

What does a panic attack feel like?

To be very blunt, it feels like you are dying. It is probably the closest humans will come to experiencing the feeling of dying (without actually dying of course). I know what this feels like, because my first attack resulted in me being rushed into A&E with a suspected heart attack, or stroke, or whatever else my mind had catastrophised the panic symptoms to be. To an extent my mind had made this up, it had told me I was in a threatful situation and triggered a fight or flight response in my body, even though I was okay. However, the shaking, the muscle spasms, the heart palpitations, my chest pains, the numbness in my body, the cold sweats, blue lips and dry mouth, were all in fact not made up, they were very real, and the result of this automatic response. This attack was of course the worst, because it was my first, and it topped everything I thought I already knew about panic, and for a brief moment my life did flash before my eyes. To experience the mental and physical feeling of dying, without actually dying, is something you cannot shake off easily. It had traumatised me to the point that my body remained in a state of fight or flight for months. For almost a year, I was afraid every day when I woke up, left the house, spoke to somebody, or felt any physical change within my body. The fear of my body experiecing this panic again had sent me into a dark spriral. To be awake and to be present was draining, it was the mentally and physically tiring, all I wanted to do was sleep. It is very hard to explain what it feels like, to live with panic disorder, and until you experience a panic attack yourself, you can only try to comprehend. I suppose it’s like trying to understand grief, without ever losing somebody, or trying to imagine living with a terminal illness without ever being poorly.

What causes a panic attack?

Anything, literally anything. It could be an external stimulus, like a bear running towards you, or your boss telling you you’re fired. It could be a thought in your head — ‘’everybody is looking at me and laughing’’. It could be a physiological change in your body, for example your heart quickening, or you body temperature rising. The trigger is different for everybody and can be conscious or subconscious.

How did I get rid of panic disorder?

I gratefully received 3 rounds of different psychological treatments, for trauma and anxiety, all of which helped but never really got rid of that deeper feeling of fear. I was desperate for anything to help me, I reached out to people abroad to explore holistic therapies, I tried reflexology, meditation, acupuncture, crystal healing, all of which helped, but again didn’t solve my physical symptoms. There is not one singular thing that can just cure your body from panic, if there was, nobody would suffer with it. It is an automatic response in our body that is used to protect us from harm, without it, we would not live. Rather than trying to beat it, I learned to live with it, until finally I became okay with it being there. That’s the thing with fear — once you stop being afraid of it, it tends to goes away. One day I read a book, that explained the science behind panic attacks, and what happens to our body on a biological level, and something in me changed. Having this knowledge, is what gave me the confidence to stand up to the fear, and just let it be there, without resenting it. The more you try and resist the feelings of panic, the longer and more sever they will become, that is a biological fact. By simply allowing the feelings of fear to wash over you, with no judgment towards them, they will come and go in less than 10 minutes. Panic attacks are not dangerous, the horrible anxiety symptoms are not dangerous, anxiety symptoms will not cause a heart attack, you will not die or be harmed by a panic attack. The sooner you learn this, the sooner you can start to live with them.

I would highly recommended that if you, or somebody you know has experienced a panic attack, to read Dr Harry Barry’s book — Anxiety and Panic. Its a good place to start, to understand your body and the symptoms you are experiencing, and it is also good to understand somebody else experiencing them too.

Mental health is not always visible and you are never on your own with it. Feeling anxious, depressed, scared and happy are all natural emotions, and to be given the gift of living, is to have the opportunity to feel every single one of these emotions. Our experiences and emotions shape us and bring a sense of gratitude into our lives. Always reach out for support, becuase it is in our nature to help, sometimes we just forget to help oursleves.

Be kind always.