Could you tell me a time when you felt dependent on alcohol?

I had a toxic relationship with alcohol for over 10 years. It began after my epilepsy diagnosis when I was 21, which quickly manifested itself as unbearable anxiety. I didn't even know what this emotion was growing up, so I looked for any means to escape this awful, impending sense of doom... Hello alcohol. Being so young, I had no idea how much worse alcohol would make my anxiety, I just wanted a quick fix, and I wanted it all the time.

My epilepsy diagnosis made me feel like I had no control over myself. It made me feel like a different person. It made me insecure. Alcohol allowed me to escape all of that and be my silly, carefree self. Being a little dependent on alcohol was easy at University - cos it kinda seemed like everyone was, to some degree.

But then University finished. It was time to be a big girl and do big girl things so I moved to London, lived with a friend and got a job in media. All the adult things. I had the perfect set up. And I chose to let it all go in under 6 months, cos I drank so heavily at the weekend that I couldn't function through the week. I decided I should move back home to my Mum while I "figure out what I really want to do". Turned out this was code for do absolutely nothing but drink myself stupid.

The next 4-5 years were seriously dark. I ended up in the hospital many times. The worst of the times? A doctor called my family to tell them they should come and say goodbye to me, as I wouldn't make it through the night. My insides had turned to acid as I hadn't been eating, I'd only been drinking vodka.

By some miracle, that doctor managed to save me. I was out of hospital a week later. This was not my wake up call. This was not my rock bottom. Cos this isn't a movie, it's real life. 

I justified my drinking for the following years because I "controlled" it a lot better. I drank at social occasions, and I often stuck to a certain amount of drinks. And as long as I didn't have to do anything the next day, I'd be able to manage the hangover. I managed this way for a good 3 years, but then more recently I started questioning my relationship with alcohol more seriously. And as you can imagine, this really took the fun out of drinking. It started to be that no matter how much I drank I was so anxious the next day. And as we've established my anxiety means one thing to me: epilepsy. I just spent so much time thinking "this is it, I'm going to have a seizure. I'm going to die", or "I shouldn't go here or there because I might have a seizure". I couldn't think rationally about the fact that I hadn't had a seizure in 8 years because it was thankfully managed successfully via my medication. 

And then there was the last time. I drank for about 3 weeks straight. I was really ill. I wanted to stop but I was too scared to withdraw, because of my epilepsy. I remember clearly thinking "I am not willing to ever feel this way again." I paid for an at-home detox managed by doctors over the phone. I was free of everything within a week. I planned to start by experimenting with sobriety for 6 months, but by that point I knew I wasn't going to go back to it any time soon. I don't really know what was different about this time, I guess it's getting older. I was 31 the last time, and I realised I wasn't going to reach any of my potential goals if I kept going because I was a liability. I realised I'd never have children if I lived this way because no child deserves to see their Mum do that to herself. 

I have a lot of shame around these 10 years, as so much of it feels like a waste of time. I was a complete shell of myself. But as painful as it is to admit, I must have needed all of those terrible times to get where I am now. 

It's important to me to share my story because the key reason I couldn't stop drinking sooner is because of the limited information I could find online. It all seemed to be either you're an alcoholic, or you're not. I couldn't identify with the findings or definitions of alcoholism. I was what experts refer to as a "grey area drinker". I suffered with Alcohol Use Disorder. On any given day, I didn't wish to be drunk or feel I needed a drink to get through things. I did not need alcohol to feel like myself, to socialise, to work. But a year ago, I realised that when I was hungover I would feel all of those symptoms, and I was susceptible to spiralling. I didn't just feel a bit "off" with a hangover, I couldn't function. And I spent 10 years convincing myself I'd find a way to function. 

Almost a year sober, I now see it all so clearly:

I now know you don't have to resonate with society's definition of alcoholism, or to fit into someone else's box, in order to question your own relationship with it. 

I know that to some degree, the rest of the world is dependent on alcohol - just like I suspected at University. Because let's face it: it's a poison. A poison which would be illegal if it were invented now. 

I now know it's the most addictive drug. A drug that we can (in some part) blame for the destruction of the NHS. 

I now know the alcohol industry created the "drink responsibly" campaign, in order to shift the responsibility back onto the individual. Back onto the individual who would be too ashamed to admit they couldn't drink responsibly.

I now know alcohol is not quite as fun as we convince ourselves it is.

I now know that even if I was drinking alcohol, the funniest of the times aren't coming back. I'm not sure you can beat the times of drinking when you're 17 - illegally - likely in Magaluf. Drinking so you have the confidence to make a move on the guy you're crushing on. Those moments are over regardless. We're adults now. There's a lot more fun to be had, but it's a different kind of fun. It's mature fun.

Most importantly, I now know that there is one easy way to avoid a hangover for the rest of my life. And since I've avoided hangovers I have had more fun and more laughs than I did in the last 10 years. I reconnected with my childlike mind. Everything is now fun - and I don't need alcohol to make it so.