Could you tell me a time you felt déjà vu?

Memories, as I understand them, are not just about a particular event, place, or group of people. I believe they are formed through a certain collection of emotions which we connect to a particular moment in time. A moment of déjà-vu when we experience a certain feeling within, transporting us straight back to an earlier version of ourself.

Being poorly while still in high school meant that for a while everything almost stood still. From being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that I would have for life, then being told I would have to go on a diet of purely nutrition drinks to try and give my body time to heal alongside strong medication, to discover weeks later that this was not working well enough and that my body could no longer tolerate most normal food at all. I have always loved food and I think that only when your ability to eat is affected, for whatever reason, do you realise how isolating it can be.

For a while life was mainly about getting by. In and out of hospital, difficult conversations about further steps we should take to help me get better and the gradual feeling that being unwell was the norm for me. Meal times became a constant reminder of being ill rather than a time to enjoy, socialise and connect.

The déjà vu I feel is connected to Edinburgh, the city that has now become my beloved second home. When I remember being unwell for the first I think back to a family trip to Edinburgh at New Year, around the time I had become sick. Inarguably, the festive season is centred around food, so being limited in what I could eat, as well as experiencing the exhaustion of my illness made this a challenging time.

I feel emotional when I think of the way my family surrounded me and tried to make things feel as normal as possible. The comforting smiles of my parents but the pain in their eyes as we struggled through the difficult situation in which we had found ourselves. And yet even then, even at my lowest point, the love of my family and friends comforted me and brought me grounding and a sense normality in this magical city.

Déjà vu is an abstract and complex feeling. When I was ill I became a patient, a sick person, getting by but not really living. Since then, my physical health is something I will cherish, the freedom to move, eat, live. Having a surgery which put my illness into remission was the gateway to my new lease of life and hope and i will always be grateful for the nurses who doctors who cared for me. I connect the memories of being ill to struggle and a feeling of loss, moving into my new life of uncertainty with a future in which I could become sick again. But I also remember my strength, the love of the people around me, and the new appreciation I found for the simplest parts of life, fresh air, laugher and warm soup which my mum cooked for me, a vibrant comfort when life felt grey.

Now when I think of Edinburgh I feel so happy. I think of my freedom now that my body is healed and healthy again. I think of my life here as a student, all the delicious food I share with my friends, coffee, jogging across the meadows, fresh air, nights out, dancing, cooking, smiles. I feel a whole new set of emotions and yet I still sometimes get déjà vu, a reminder of my younger self, what I overcame, and what I can overcome again if I need to.