Could you tell me a time you felt grief?

Grief does not just exist in one moment. At times it feels heavy and all consuming. It lingers and lifts for moments of joy. It is not 5 stages and then you’re done. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. We speak of grief as a linear process, but in reality, it is messy. These stages can come at any time in any order, or not at all. You can feel everything at once, or nothing at all.

We all know grief is a result of losing someone. But loss comes in many different forms. Yes, it may be a death, but it may also be a breakup, a separation, loss of a job, moving, loss of dreams, goals, a future that you saw for yourself. For me, I feel as though I lost everything I was certain of. A relationship, a pet, a home, a family, a dream, and a vision of my life. And just as I thought I had faced the hardest 12 months of my life, when it felt like the world couldn’t possibly come crashing down anymore, I lost my Nan in the midst of the pandemic. I couldn’t jump on a flight home and be there to spend those last moments with her. I was powerless. Grief in every form engulfed me. I felt like I was drowning in it. And it quickly became too much. It almost didn’t feel real. How can this be happening? I felt empty or I felt pain. Happiness was fleeting, it was more like distraction. And when I went back to reality I felt completely alone. All I could think about was being back home with my family. I felt displaced. I didn’t belong in this version of my life anymore. I needed to try and rebuild that feeling of home, so I moved from Canada where I had spent 8 years building a life, back to Australia.

Here I stand 2 years later, and some days the loss is still overwhelming. Periods of depression have come and gone in that time. As have periods of acceptance, loneliness, anxiety, anger, and disbelief. I didn’t sleep well for over a year. Constantly tossing and turning, unwillingly reliving every moment to figure it all out. Wishing I had been around to spend more time with my Nan. Feeling overwhelming anxiety, guilt, and heartache. Day to day it’s hard to drown it all out. And after all the pain it felt almost impossible to start all over again.

The biggest misconception about grief and trauma is that time will heal the pain. It’s not even the slightest bit true. You can push those emotions deep down and they will eat away at you in the moments that you’re not distracted or in control. What heals is feeling it. Working through it. Coming to terms with it and learning how to move on as the new version of yourself. Loss breaks you, and when you get to the other side you aren’t the same person anymore. You are stronger, more self aware, more sure of yourself and what you want in your life. And especially what you don’t want. Back before all this happened, I was having regular panic attacks. I felt stuck in a loop. And I’m proud to say that this new version of me has not had one panic attack since I reached what felt like my lowest point. Yes, the strength is there, but it’s not all sunshine on this side of it all. Maybe the grass is greener because there’s more rain, more gloom that turns into growth. It’s about putting in the hard work and seeing yourself more clearly. It’s learning to accept the loss and not let it distort the future. Not being afraid to try again. To lose someone again. To be let down again. To say goodbye again, or to never have that chance.