Could you tell me a time you felt helpless?

When I started university I was an outgoing 18-year-old, fit, young and healthy. However, a couple of months into my freshers year I started to have spells of feeling unwell. I’d go dizzy, sick, and sometimes collapse. I began to lose weight and came down with every infection under the sun. 

By Christmas I was bedbound, and none of the doctors could figure out why. The cause didn’t come up in blood tests, and eventually, I was dismissed by several doctors for ‘imagining’ my symptoms. I felt helpless. I was unable to carry out the fundamental tasks that I had taken for granted only a few months before. I couldn’t keep down solid foods, shower alone, or lift my arms above my head to brush my hair. 

As I lay in bed for most of the day my mental health plummeted. I became obsessive, anxious, and paranoid, dreaming up worst-case scenarios in my head. My parents continued to take me to doctor after doctor to try and get to the bottom of my mysterious illness. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Myalgic encephalomyelitis (M.E.), also known as chronic fatigue syndrome (C.F.S). The physical symptoms can vary between individuals, but it can be as debilitating for some people as multiple sclerosis or congestive heart failure. Although I finally had an answer, I was told there was no ‘cure’ for M.E., this didn’t help my recovery, physically or mentally. 

My parents begged me to drop out of university, but my stubbornness won through. I continued to dictate essays and exams from bed. My mental health got worse, I couldn’t leave the house or see friends. 

I began to seek help regularly. Eventually, a year later, through multiple physical and mental treatments, I was able to return to ‘normal life’. This was a greater mental battle than a physical battle. 

I still struggle with anxiety from time to time, and I’ll always have a form of ME, but I live my life fully now. I aim to make every day count because I know how it feels to have had everything taken away. I managed to stick with my degree and finished top of my class in my Third Year, graduating with a First in the Fourth Year. I have never been prouder of what I’ve achieved and am so grateful to this illness for what it has taught me about how important life is.