Could you tell me a time you felt free?

Last October I secured a charity place for London Marathon 2023. Running is a big part of my life, (some might say the majority of my personality ha), so this felt like a bit of a bucket list moment, and I was hella excited for it. Running has always helped not only my physical health, but also my mental health as well as being a huge social aspect of my life. Since moving to London five years ago, I have met the majority of my friends through running and its open so many doors for me. So, like I said, it felt like kind of a big deal. I wanted London to the be the best run I ever did, and in preparation for it, I decided I would give up booze.

Me and alcohol have always had a funny relationship, I love that first sip of a margarita, or that popping sound of a champagne cork... the relaxing sensation you feel as it enters your bloodstream as well as all the anticipation of the night to come and the fun times that come with it. When I drink, it's often the only time I feel "in the moment", and it cancels out any anxiety or stress, and I like that feeling (a lot...) so I drink quickly and drink more to keep that feeling... and often get carried away. You know how the story ends. Fast forward a few hours and I'm a sloppy sleepy mess, making bad decisions and the next day I am an anxious shell of my former self, and that was not going to be a good start to my London Marathon training....so drinking was out from New Year's Day.

I decided to start my training for London ahead of the 16 week training planning suggested. I wanted to get ahead of the game, so I signed up to a plethora of running events in November and December to start working on increasing that distance past my comfortable half marathon zone...and it was all going so well until the week before Christmas, after a 31K and a barrage of Christmas party drinks, I tiredly agreed to run a half marathon with my friend. The last few KMs were not fun, and I started to feel a sharp sensation in my hip. Being so close to the finish, my natural instinct was to just get home, but after finishing I struggled to walk properly. After a visit to the physio and an MRI scan later, it was confirmed I had a stress fracture in my femur and could not run for at least 12 weeks. 

Gutted was an understatement, running was such a big part of my life, and my mind went into overdrive and obtrusive thoughts, trigging a lot of previous mental health issues which running had been masking. "I'm going to have to pull out the marathon, I'll be letting the charity down, I'm going to get fat, I need to start restricting my diet, I'm never going to run again." I was in a really bad place mentally, somewhere I've not been for a long time, and the only thing I felt might help me was to stick with my plan of quitting drinking. After a very boozy final blow out on NYE (waking up anxious, not remembering much, definitely tried to snog my friend…), I pledged to start therapy and stop drinking until April to allow my body to heal more quickly and to also sort my head out. 

As with all things, it turned out alright in the end. The charity deferred my place, I rested and found a slower pace of life from my usual frantic self, I focused on what I could do exercise wise, and not what I couldn't do, I worked with my physio to build on my weaknesses, started acupuncture (and got over my fear of needles), found new hobbies in yoga and swimming, started therapy and learned as much as I could from the experience. The whole time, I stayed off the booze, and even when I started to feel better mentally, and start running again, I decided I'd carry on going alcohol free for as long as I could.

Yesterday, I hit 6 months sober and being alcohol free has been so freeing. It definitely takes a few months to get used to socialising without it, to have the confidence in knowing you can still turn up somewhere and be fun without it, to not feel quite so aware and overstimulated by loud music and the people shouting and touching you as they go to the bar, but once you do, it opens up your life to so much more. I am happier than I've ever felt, I can regulate my emotions better, I am more aware of how I am feeling and why, I am a nicer person as I am not so caught up in my own thoughts, that I have more time for others feelings and aren't projecting my own. I have more time, I find joy in the small things, and feel more grateful for things I didn't even notice before, I have better conversations with people, and better connections with friends, I remember everything from nights out and have better memories. I'll probably still leave earlier when everyone starts repeating themselves (hehe) but nothing good ever happens after 2am anyway... x