Could you tell me a time you felt overwhelmed?

We all experienced 2020 differently. Some, if not most of us, struggled in some way. We lost jobs, families, communities, churches, gyms, eating out, playing, and so much more. It felt like the year that so much was taken from us and a year that we all have to overcome something. This was also the year that I’ve felt the most overwhelmed I ever have. 

In January of 2020 I got in a major car accident that totaled my car and left me bruised and broken in more ways than one. Not only did I lose my car but I also lost my ability to exercise regularly. I had to go to the chiropractor and massage therapist 2-3 times per week. This being my second accident in two years (both not my fault might I add) I began to suffer from PTSD while driving. I was extra cautious and extra nervous. I have become a really poor passenger as almost everything makes me very paranoid when I am not in control of the vehicle. It has been very difficult to adjust to what driving looks like after the accident. 

After that we entered into March, when the world shut down and we were basically told to stay home and do nothing. Covid cases were high and everyone was scared. I was teaching and that looked extremely weird for all of us. So many changes and expectations and for a while there we were told we weren’t even really allowed to go hiking either, my one saving grace when I was down. Most trails and such had been closed. 

Then, July 6th came, the one year anniversary of my dad’s death. Grief definitely comes and goes in waves and always comes at the most interesting times. Not when you’re expecting it like on these big anniversaries, but randomly driving in your car while listening to a song. And that’s when it started happening for me. One day I was driving home and became overwhelmed with emotions of sadness from my dad’s passing. That, on top of being in a car and still having issues with driving sent me into a fit of sobbing and the inability to breathe. I quickly realized I needed to pull over as driving was no longer safe. I turned into the Safeway parking lot, reclined my seat, called my mother, and came to the conclusion that I was having a panic attack. 

Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be the last one and it wouldn’t be the last one while driving either. After a couple panic attacks, the weight of my dad’s death, the effects that Covid had on our lives, the multiple weekly treatments to try and improve my back and neck, the inability to spend as much time outside as I wanted to, all led to the decision to seek therapy. At this point I was truly overwhelmed. Things were getting too hard and I had never had panic attacks before. I wanted to dive deep into what was going on and figure out how I can be whole again. How can I feel safe driving and calm? How can I live with the death of my dad? How can I get through this injury that causes me extreme pain when doing the thing I loved most...hiking? 

And so I started therapy and it helped a lot! Things started to get better. My outlook on life started to change. The panic attacks started to go away. Everything in my life didn’t necessarily change or disappear, but I started to accept that this was where I was at and I could be okay with that. Fast forward a few months and I lost my teaching job because of Covid. Just another overwhelming thing in my life. At the time, it was too much. It was terrible for my family and I knew how hard this would make my life. One that I had worked so hard to make sure would be good. I eventually found a temporary work assignment that would last until the students went back to school. A daycare/learning center facility for kids who were participating in distance learning. This landed in my lap at such a perfect time but it definitely was difficult. No structure and no one having any clue what we are doing, we built this learning center from nothing and provided families and kids a place to go and participate in online learning. Although losing my job was overwhelming, good came out of it, and I was able to lean into God and his plan for my life. 

To say 2020 was overwhelming is an understatement. In December I finally finished treatment from my accident. I still deal with the grief of losing my dad, but the panic attacks have stopped and I’ve been able to drive most days without any issues. Through all of this the only other thing that kept me sane was being able to go hiking. Spending time in the sunshine and outdoors was what ignited the fire in my soul. It brought me to my knees in gratitude and awe. It allowed me to think and process and be free. Although it’s taken me a really long time to get to this point, and I still sometimes feel pain after a long hike due to my injuries, it was something I continued to do because it was the one constant thing that grounded me. The one thing that wasn’t overwhelming. The only thing I kept coming back to, time and time again. It’s where I see and hear God most clearly. Nature accepts me exactly as I am yet always leaves me better. Through all of these overwhelming things that truly made 2020 a crapshoot (like it had for a lot of people), it’s brought me to one final adventure. I’ll be hiking the PCT in 2021. I’ll take every overwhelming experience from the last year and leave it out on the trail. I hope that you know, whatever life has in store for you there is a reason and there are always lessons to be learned. Although things might seem too heavy to bear and too overwhelming to handle, you can always find your way back to who you are and who you were created to be.