Could you tell me a time you did something for yourself?

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to go to university. Looking back I didn’t ever really think about it I just knew how much I wanted to live independently, and that university was the path your supposed to take. Even when considering my options the first things I remember my guidance councillor saying to me that I should go to university.

I got a place at university to do social policy and economics. Social policy was the dream but economics was the sensible choice to take with it. I suddenly found myself very much out of my depth when it came to economics. Although I enjoyed maths at school I had only done higher and that combined with my gap year it had been over two and a half years since I had finished my higher maths. Meanwhile, I was surrounded by mostly men who were from private schools and had done both A level maths and economics. I felt like an imposter and struggled to make friends within economics. I tried hard to understand the course but I always felt like an imposter.

Looking back imposter syndrome is something I have been dealing with for most of my life. I have been going to dance classes for as long as I can remember, and i still take them now. However, I never would’ve and i still wouldn’t refer to myself as a dancer. In academy I was generally quite content in myself, but for some reason at university I had convinced myself that I I was there on a technicality and because I didn’t have friends doing economics that I wasn’t like them.

After the first year of university I was not enjoying economics, however, I had done great on my resit exam and my personal tutor had told me again how useful economics will be to me in the future so I decided to stick it out.

Second year started with a whole string of different illnesses which continued throughout the year. I was constantly being told by doctors to rest and that I was just “unlucky”. However, this really took a toll on my mental health and my anxiety spiralled. I enjoy exercising and being productive but now I had the fear that anything I did would result in becoming unwell. Throughout this time my dad was also going through the process of being diagnosed with cancer. And my relationship with my flatmate, who I had become very close with, began to deteriorate. Now I just wasn’t getting out of bed at all. I would cry at the thought of leaving my bedroom let alone the flat. The university work began to pile up and I wasn’t going the majority of my tutorials. To lots of my friends I probably seemed fine. I would still see my friends and my boyfriend at the time, but anything to do with university made me feel like I couldn’t breath, the work had piled up so much by that point. I was doing well in my social policy modules, I still had the same anxiety about starting the work but once I did start I was on a roll, and enjoyed what I was learning, even if I didn’t understand the concepts I could still spend hours researching and always wished I had more time to write an assignment, mainly because I was enjoying the process. But economics was a completely different ball park all my anxiety, guilt and self doubt would creep in.

Coming to the end of second year I finally made the decision that ‘the sensible choice’ wasn’t for me. I was going to transfer into a different degree. Up until now I would’ve felt a huge amount of shame and guilt around this decision. That I wasn’t enough because I couldn’t hack it. However, I am now happy in my decision and I know that no degree (especially one I don’t care about) is worth my mental health. I have now chosen to see economics as a toxic thing that I am getting rid of. Although I know that a lot of the things that caused my anxiety would’ve still happened but I know that if I had done a degree that I care about and enjoyed, instead of doing what society deems as useful, I would’ve had more self confidence in myself and my ability.

Overall, the moral of the story is don’t just do something because it’s what seen as valuable by somebody else.