Could you tell me a time you felt loss?

During my late teens and early twenties I had always been surrounded by close groups of friends that came from the various dimensions of my life. I felt comfortable with the person I was, the choices I made and the people I spent most of my time with. I enjoyed my own company and spending time on my own just as much as I enjoyed being with others. 

Fast forward to my mid twenties when I started to notice a change in myself and my attitude. I would become easily triggered, agitated and emotional. Committing to future plans wasn’t an option. It’d result in me sitting at home for weeks overthinking if I’d be able to leave the house that day or not. Seeing my best friend for dinner would send butterflies through my stomach. Going to work made me feel nauseous. I became very withdrawn. Nothing in my life was spontaneous anymore.

For so long I had accepted that fact that I had developed generalized anxiety disorder which was what my doctor had told me. I was confused and overwhelmed with these new feelings that made it almost impossible to be the free spirited person I was. I decided the only way to overcome these feelings was to be honest with my family and my close friends. If they knew this then they’d understand why I would turn down plans or randomly start spiraling and have panic attacks. I became angry and depressed that this was the person I had become. I spent a lot of time alone, but now it wasn’t enjoyable because I’d get in my own head and overthink every little detail of my life.

Little did I know these were all natural responses to the feeling of loss.

It wasn’t until my psychologist asked me if I had ever felt loss before that I was fully exposed to the true meaning of the word. For a long time my understanding of the word ‘loss’ centred around death. 

Loss however, is a change in your life that can often cause immense amounts of grief. It could be the end of a close friendship or relationship, the end of a dream or a goal, the changing of a job, decline of health, moving away from home. It is something that can impact your physical and mental health.  

I had responded ‘no’ quite sternly to my psych and it was soon after that I realised I was ashamed to admit that a loss that wasn’t a death was a remotely justifiable and appropriate reason to grieve.

I had recently just experienced the loss/break up of a nearly 10 year friendship. I was leaving my three part time jobs to start my full time career. A close friend and I from uni were experiencing an awkward time in our friendship. A situationship that had gone on 5 years too long had come to a sudden end. I felt lost and I was experiencing losses that I hadn’t accepted or had closure from. I felt like I had lost every sense of belonging that carried me for so long and with that went any shred of self worth I had conjured up.  

I have never been one to share my feelings with others. It took my psychologist almost 8 consecutive weeks of sessions to get me to open up enough to explore the loss I had experienced and the unresolved grief I had suppressed.  

The loss of my nearly 10 year friendship had hurt me the most. This was somebody I spent every single day with. They knew all my quirks, insecurities, dreams and fears. We spent time with one another’s family and friends outside of our mutual circle. We would travel together, see our favourite artists together, make future plans. I couldn’t have ever imagined my life without this person. I didn’t know how to react when this ended or when things began to change. I felt so isolated from the rest of our mutual friends. I couldn’t comprehend how it seemed so easy for them to move on. I felt like I was being left behind and for so long it felt like our friendship meant more to me than it did them. I had nobody to call or message about my day or the silly little things we would laugh about. I felt like I had not only lost my best friend but a massive part of who I was. It was hard to explain to those in my life because it wasn't a romantic relationship and it seemed almost silly to be so depressed and so I hid my feelings for so long.

It wasn’t until years later I was at the local pub with my work friends when I saw one of our old mutual friends at the bar. He came running over and picked me up and said he couldn’t believe it had been so long since we last spoke. I hadn’t seen him since my friendship had ended because it was that feeling of being ashamed and the anxiety of what was being said that stopped me from speaking to the rest of the friends in our friendship circle. One day you go from seeing these people every single day to not again in at least 6 years. They’re now married and having children and living completely different lives to the ones you knew when you were friends. For years I had isolated myself and seen all of these connections as a trigger when in reality nobody had any part in whatever happened between our friendship.

Working on accepting and acknowledging the losses I had experienced over this time has helped me learn to live with them instead of feeling ashamed.  I found expressing my feelings in a more tangible way like writing letters and journals helped me to find a sense of closure I never got. I learnt how to look back on the friendships I lost in a positive light with gratitude for the seasons they spent in my life instead of feeling bitterness towards the way that they ended.I met new people through work and travel who remind me every day that I am equally worthy of the love I share with others. I have begun to cultivate a sense of unconditional self-worth. An understanding that we all deserve to be here, to take up space, to be loved and cared for.

The pain of loss is an inherent part of all of our lives. Just don’t forget that we all deserve to accept ourselves, forgive ourselves, and to receive love.