Could you tell me a time you felt Lonely but not Alone?

The phrase ‘alone but never lonely’ has been talked about a lot in the media, but the way I felt was the opposite.

I have been lucky enough to have lots of friends throughout all stages of my life and gladly found a solid group of friends when I came to university two years ago. Through those friends I was also introduced to my amazing boyfriend and more new friends so it’s fair to say I’m far from what I had originally thought a lonely person was.

My first year of university was a lot of fun, especially the second semester. I always had plans, I was the lead in my university musical and I really enjoyed my course. I moved out of halls and into a flat in May, and I loved being in Edinburgh over the summer. I was having a great time so it’s hard to pinpoint when I started to feel lonely and unlike myself, but it was during the summer. With no university work or show to be working on, I felt like I didn’t have a purpose. Working the Fringe in August was a highlight, however when I met all these great people who had such exciting plans for the next year and their lives, it made me anxious about what I want to do after university and it caused a huge shift in my life.

I had thought going back to university in September was going to help me get back into the swing of things and back on track. It didn’t. It made me feel worse, questioning is this really what I want to be doing? Am I smart enough for this course? Do my friends even want to be around me? The list goes on. I tried to go back to musical theatre with my friends but quickly decided not to do the show after my confidence was knocked and I felt like I was losing the love for a hobby that had once consumed my whole life. Looking back, I should have just done the show. It was worse to not go to rehearsal and see my friends, I isolated myself completely.

Over the next few months my brain was on a mission to make my life as difficult as possible. I started to think all my friends hated me and didn’t want to be around me because I was bringing the mood down by being sad all the time. I thought my boyfriend might break up with me because I’m not being my usual happy self, the negative thoughts were endless. In reality everyone was worried about me and just wanted to help me feel better. One of my friends often reminded me she’s just glad that I got out of the house and made the effort to come. My boyfriend would just let me talk and talk, him just listening always made me feel better. But it still wasn’t clicking, even though I knew deep down my friends really cared about me, my brain was still trying to sabotage me. I would tear myself apart, criticising every bit of myself. From my physical body to how I acted in group situations and anything I would say. It made me reluctant to go out or see anyone. I felt so alone amongst people who care about me, because my own brain decided I wasn’t worthy of being surrounded by good people.

It wasn’t until the end of November that I started to see some change in myself, I was going to gym classes with friends, I started a new job, and I was back at musical theatre. Being surrounded by new people at my job completely changed my perspective on everything. Being around girls who are really fitness based and positive made me feel motivated and excited about the future again. I started going to yoga, doing regular runs, being kinder to myself and reading more. These small changes have made a world of difference.

Taking these little steps, focusing on myself, and trying to find new hobbies and passions has completely turned my life around. Realising no one could help me if I didn’t help myself first was the most important steppingstone to feeling better.

I’m nowhere near where I want to be yet but I’m getting there, now when I have off days, I remind myself of how far I’ve come and think about all exciting thing’s the future has in store for me.

It sounds cringey but this whole experience has taught me so many lessons and helped me learn more about myself:

- Change is hard, but it can also be amazing. Don’t punish yourself for feeling sad about it but also don’t punish yourself for being happy about it.

- Try not to put yourself in a box, trying new things can be really rewarding.

- Good days and bad days are normal. No one is living a perfect life even if it may seem like they are on the surface.

- The most important thing to do is show up for yourself.