Could you tell me a time you felt genuine and long-term happiness again?

On the morning of the second of January this year, I was in a beautiful town called Longniddry on the East coast of Scotland. I was walking through the beautiful Gosford Forest with perfect winter weather and nobody else around except the person I was with. The peacefulness and feeling that came with the morning was something unfamiliar and I realised that for the first time in a very long time, I was genuinely happy. And I had been for a few months.  

I know that I have it very good in the grand scheme of things and there have obviously been many happy moments over the last few years however, I’d been going through a long a tough internal battle with myself up until recently, and this moment in Gosford Forest was the first time I really realised that I’d made it through. This also isn’t a sob story. It’s hopefully just a reminder that even when thing after thing keeps happening and it seems like the negative feelings are just going to be part of your life now, they don’t have to be. So, this is my journey.  

Towards the end of year 10 and the start of year 11, I had a lot going on at home, COVID was coming, and I was entering my final two years of school. I started to feel pretty stressed out however, when I feel stressed, I tend to bottle it up and try and act like everything is fine instead of letting other people help me. COVID hit and sent everyone into lockdown in March and I think that’s probably when I started to struggle the most. COVID lockdowns were the most amount of time my family spent together in pretty much my whole life. And we didn’t really cope well with it. My middle sister started to struggle a lot with her mental health and although she didn’t mean for it to, it had quite a large impact on me.

I have a very clear memory of going into school one day in between lockdowns to sit an assessment, and at the end of it doing all I could to hold my tears in. I’d been trying to keep everything together for months and months and this was my tipping point. I had a meeting with one of my favourite teachers and burst into tears pretty much straight away. I was tired of my parents arguing at home, I was worried about my sister, and I didn’t cope being stuck in the house in the environment that it was. I’d also lost all motivation to do well in school. That’s when I started going to therapy. I’d been before when I was about 10 years old but hadn’t been since.  

I spoke to my therapist a few times whilst we were in lockdown, but I knew that so many people had it worse than I did so I convinced everyone that I was fine and got on with it. Throughout year 12 and the months that followed I would often just end up sitting on a floor or in the school bathrooms in tears. There wasn’t always a reason, I would just get massive waves of anxiety that tipped me over the edge and reminded me that although I could act like I was fine, I wasn’t really.  

I soon turned 18 and exactly one week after my birthday, my parents told us they were getting a divorce. Parents divorcing has many challenges that come with it, especially for young kids. However, when your parents get divorced as an adult, you don’t get sheltered from any of it. You are aware of all the cheap shots that get fired between parents, the digs from one parent if you’re not seeing them enough for their liking, the constant being asked what happened and why it happened. I’d never really had much social anxiety up until this point. My family always had it challenges but now it felt like we were on a whole new level. There was always someone arguing or drama that had happened. This, along with trying to be a young female today, quickly became a bit too much. I barely ate because I was insecure about myself, I overthought everything, the waves of anxiety increased, and it felt like I was on the verge of tears constantly.  

But as I mentioned before, I tend to bottle all this, and I’d gotten good at always being just ‘fine’ whenever anyone asked. But the thing with bottling things up is that eventually it explodes. And eventually it did. But like usual, I never let anybody see the explosion. But it was bad. I was home alone and afterwards; I knew I needed to do something to improve my mental state.  

Most people would go back to therapy. Me? I moved to the other side of the world. And I haven’t regretted it for a second. Moving came with its own challenges but for once, these were challenges that I’d signed up for and was facing because of all the opportunities that overcoming them would unlock. I could feel myself starting to feel lighter in the first month I was here, but properly healing took time. And temporarily removing myself from the environment that made that near impossible was what gave me the time to do so.  

And that brings me back to that peaceful moment in Gosford Forest in Longniddry. Breathing in the fresh Scottish air and walking around the beautiful lake, I had a chance to realise that I felt the best I had since my early high school years. I had just spent New Years with a beautiful friendship group full of people I’ve met since moving to London.  The friendships I have are some of the strongest and most genuine ones I’ve ever had, and I also have a greater appreciation of the friends I still have in Australia, as well as my family. I am the healthiest and fittest I’ve been in a long time since I’ve started cooking for myself and eating properly. I also run now which is something that I used to hate even the thought of. I have a job that I love and that is incredibly rewarding. And I get to travel and experience incredible places often, which is something I’ve been passionate about doing my whole life. I am WAY more self-confident than I ever have been, and even wear my natural curls out in public! Family and friends have been telling me recently that they can see a difference in me and that I look so happy. And I am.

I know there will always be challenges in life, but for now, I’ve made it out the other side. And so can anyone else who feels stuck in a never-ending cycle of bad times. It’s hard and it takes time but try changing your environment to one that heals instead of hinders. Don’t bottle things up; talking to others for help is never an inconvenience. And just because other people have problems that may be worse, doesn’t mean yours are any less valid!